Ok, so it's been a while since I've updated the blog. Somehow I can't believe it's been this long. And then, on the other hand, it feels like it was just yesterday. Time gets away from you when you are struggling to keep up with each day.
Chemotherapy is finished. The last one was May 4. My feet continue to be entirely numb, but they are showing signs of gradual improvement. At least my fingers stopped being numb -- that happened after about the third treatment. I kept hoping my feet would respond the same way, but that's not happening. Makes it kind of hard to do just about anything when you can't feel your feet. Or should I say, I can feel them, but it's like walking around on feet loaded with Novocaine. You can tell they're there, you just don't trust them anymore!
Radiation started last Monday. Of all the things about having a cancer diagnosis, I have to say that the decision to have radiation has been the hardest. Maybe it's because I don't thoroughly understand it, or maybe I've read too much. But it has just terrified me to have to go for radiation. It was so bad that my radiology oncologist stopped me during my appointment and asked me if I cried that hard when I talked about my cancer with all my doctors. I told him, "No, I've saved it all for you!" From the moment I walked through the doors -- no, back that up to pulled into the parking lot, I have been overwhelmed with tears that just won't stop coming. And I know he's a wonderful doctor and truly wants to keep me alive.
Sometimes it all seems like it's happening too fast. And then there are days when it doesn't feel like it is happening fast enough. I'm torn between wanting to be done already with all the treatments, to wishing that treatments would take a while because the longer I'm in treatment, the more I feel like things are working to knock out whatever cancer cells are left. I want them all to be gone. And, unfortunately, there are no guarantees.
I've struggled with my energy but have kept moving. With the exception of the week after chemotherapy and the days I have doctor appointments, mostly I've been able to keep working. It has taken it's toll to be in treatment. I'm such a classic over-achiever mentality, that I feel like I need to keep up the same pace as before, but I realize that's not realistic nor feasible. So my body had to come to a meeting of the mind with my brain and we've had to make a few compromises.
They tell me that my energy will start to pick up now. I have always heard that radiation makes you feel very tired, so I expected to start feeling worse from when I was doing the chemo. But, the nurses tell me that because I just finished chemo, the radiation should not have that affect and I will actually start to feel better. I'm not sure that's working for me. I feel like I've been flattened like a pancake for days. Absolutely no energy. They also told me I would not experience nausea, but I don't think that's true since by now I would have been able to stop the anti-nausea medicine and I haven't been able to. So, I guess I'm just going to have to move through whatever side effects I experience. Radiation is every day, Monday through Friday, until mid-July.
I pray that I have the strength to continue. I truly just want to get back to something called normal. And that includes having hair! I've got some peach fuzz finally. No signs of eyelashes or eyebrows yet. Ugh! It's so hard to face myself in the mirror some days. It's a good thing I like myself, cuz I can see through just about anything, I've discovered, and still find the "inner me" that needs to be nurtured through all this physical stuff.
Every day I remind myself that it's just a body, and it's purpose is to carry me around every day. But ultimately, "I" will go on to something and the body will stay behind. I had hopes that wouldn't be until very late in life, but most days I am thankful that I've got one more day. It's amazing how something like this will change your thinking.
I was talking with one of my sister's friends yesterday. He recently had an accident on his motorcycle that left him pretty beat up and lucky to be alive. It wasn't so much the conversation we had that I found interesting. It was more about the unspoken connection we had, for just a few moments, when you know you've been faced with your own mortality, and you know there is something so much bigger than you on the other side. It's an understanding that comes with both a little bit of fear and a little bit of excitement. Every day is a blessing, but the feeling of being connected to something so vast is overwhelming in a very good way.
