On Friday I'm at the 10 day mark from the second treatment. I'll have my blood drawn and I'll know before I walk out of the cancer center how things look. I get a little anxious about this time. Doc told me that there might be a chance about half-way through that I will need a blood transfusion. I'm not thrilled at the the thought. But apparently, because I've had chemo before, my bone marrow won't bounce back as quickly, so as the chemo drugs accumulate over the multiple treatments, transfusion becomes more of a possibility.
Right now, I'm feeling ok. A bit tired. Yesterday I had all kinds of energy. Today I feel just a little dragged out. Maybe the day was too long yesterday, but my sweetie invited me out for a belated Valentine's treat. Went to Simms Steakhouse and had a great view on a clear night and just the best meal. I was wow'd. I haven't been there in a long time and I have to say I was impressed. We finished the meal with a raspberry souffle. I've never had souffle before, so that was fun. But what a sugar rush. Probably the worst thing I could have done, since they say people who have cancer should avoid sugar.
I started the day yesterday at 4 a.m. and then didn't get to sleep until around 10 p.m. I suppose I over-did it. Sometimes I feel like my old self and I think I have all this capacity. And then I discover how wrong I am.
I feel so truly blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. He is amazing and I know it helps me keep trudging through this process because I so look forward to the day later this year when I can be my old self again. I have all these plans to go bicycling and hiking and dancing with him. I think we are going to have lots of fun. We'll get to do a lot of the things that have been put on hold. We had only been dating about 2-1/2 months when I got my news of my recurrence. I thought it would be over at that point, but he seems to want to stick around. I'm doing my best not to be "sick". I think that would be a drag, but he knows that there are days when I'm just not able to be my normal self. He's very understanding.
Last night we were talking about the possibility that the cancer could be the end of me. I told him I wished I could promise that in 2 years I would still be here, but the reality is, I can't. I said it all boils down to what we can say about the run we've had together. I told him if, at the end of the day, we can say we laughed, had fun together, had an authentic love for each other, I didn't think we could ask for more. If the answer is yes to the question of whether it was good or not, then we can face the inevitable and know that we'll see each other again. It was kind of a hard conversation. But he makes it easy to have an honest exchange.
I'm off to sleep. Will update the blog tomorrow after I've had my checkup. Love to everyone who is reading this. I think I made some people sad with my previous blog -- sorry about that. Sometimes I just get to typing and my heart takes over. I want you all to know that I'm really ok. As long as I'm still able to get around ok, get some exercise and some fun, do work that I love, and I have my friends and family, life is actually really, really good. Matters of the physical are not what makes a life. The heart and soul are so much more important.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
Two down - Four to go. Ugh!
It's Monday night. Finally back up on my feet and not feeling like my head is in a cloud somewhere. I cannot even describe what it feels like to have chemo. And I'm sure that not all chemo's are the same. I don't remember having some of the feelings I've experienced this time when I had chemo back in 2007. But this surely and absolutely stinks.
I really thought I had it figured out for round two. Took all my meds on schedule -- anti-nausea, pain, etc. But I still feel like someone kicked me in the tail. The whole weekend, all I could do was toss and turn. I kept thinking, "Ok, just a few more hours and it'll pass." And it didn't! So, from Wednesday to Monday morning, I have felt really lousy.
Thursday wasn't as bad. Friday and Saturday were positively awful. Sunday I managed to get up and go to church -- felt like I could use a little spiritual boost. And I was proud of myself for getting my head off the pillow and actually going out of the house. (Oh, you have no idea how hard it was to get moving!) Then my nephew met me after church and we took Max-A-Million to the off-leash dog park at Chatfield. I can usually clip around that place at a "power walk" in about a half an hour. I was alarmed to find that I couldn't even get an eighth of the way around, and I had to stop. Mostly, I was fighting the slush from the snow melt. Every step I took was met with an ache in my hips unlike anything I've felt before. It was like walking in slow motion. So, we sat on a bench for a while and then shoved the dog back in the car (reluctantly on his part) and came back home. Max was disappointed. I was disappointed. My nephew may have been relieved. He has no idea the workout I could have put him through! He's a sport, so I'm sure he would have kept up.
Back to work today, and I was much improved. As the day progressed, my head cleared. I decided that I would finally go out and get some badly needed supply of fluorescent bulbs for my office. What a project that turned out to be! I swear life has just become too complicated! Length, width, color, gee-whiz! What happened to ordinary lights?!
By the end of the day, I was feeling pretty good. And my optimism was returning. We had a woman walk in today who had been out delivering flowers and candies for Valentines Day. First day on the job, and she was lost in Golden. Surprise, surprise, she managed to find my office -- most people get lost trying to find me, not find me trying to get un-lost. So, my admin and I fixed her up with a cup of tea and ran her some new maps and sent her back out into the sunshine. An hour or so later, she called me up for more directions. It made me smile, actually. She was wearing an angel pin. You never know when your angels are watching, but I would have taken care of her anyway. Somehow it just felt good to make sure everyone on her list got their special Valentine gift.
And then, the owner of the dry cleaner next door came in. She is also a survivor. She just found out I was going through a recurrence. She was devastated and wanted just to hold my hand and ask me how I was. She told me how scared she is every day. She does not speak good English, but she works hard to communicate. Such a sweet soul. And when she left, I was alone and the sun was setting and it felt cold. And I felt alone. And yet I know I'm not, but for a few minutes I was really scared. What if I do all this treatment and don't survive? What if the next time I have to try to beat it back, it's more dreaded than this time?
Then I picked up the phone and returned the call of a dear, dear friend whom I haven't spoken with in what feels like forever. Talking with him made me feel better. He's so genuine when he interacts with you and you can feel his smile through the phone. We talked about my situation, we talked about his new real estate endeavor, we talked about his music. I felt ok again when I got off the phone with him. He finds my perspective on life to be interesting at times. I just try to be authentic about what my reality is. It could kill me. And it might not. I know all I can do is put it in God's hands.
I really thought I had it figured out for round two. Took all my meds on schedule -- anti-nausea, pain, etc. But I still feel like someone kicked me in the tail. The whole weekend, all I could do was toss and turn. I kept thinking, "Ok, just a few more hours and it'll pass." And it didn't! So, from Wednesday to Monday morning, I have felt really lousy.
Thursday wasn't as bad. Friday and Saturday were positively awful. Sunday I managed to get up and go to church -- felt like I could use a little spiritual boost. And I was proud of myself for getting my head off the pillow and actually going out of the house. (Oh, you have no idea how hard it was to get moving!) Then my nephew met me after church and we took Max-A-Million to the off-leash dog park at Chatfield. I can usually clip around that place at a "power walk" in about a half an hour. I was alarmed to find that I couldn't even get an eighth of the way around, and I had to stop. Mostly, I was fighting the slush from the snow melt. Every step I took was met with an ache in my hips unlike anything I've felt before. It was like walking in slow motion. So, we sat on a bench for a while and then shoved the dog back in the car (reluctantly on his part) and came back home. Max was disappointed. I was disappointed. My nephew may have been relieved. He has no idea the workout I could have put him through! He's a sport, so I'm sure he would have kept up.
Back to work today, and I was much improved. As the day progressed, my head cleared. I decided that I would finally go out and get some badly needed supply of fluorescent bulbs for my office. What a project that turned out to be! I swear life has just become too complicated! Length, width, color, gee-whiz! What happened to ordinary lights?!
By the end of the day, I was feeling pretty good. And my optimism was returning. We had a woman walk in today who had been out delivering flowers and candies for Valentines Day. First day on the job, and she was lost in Golden. Surprise, surprise, she managed to find my office -- most people get lost trying to find me, not find me trying to get un-lost. So, my admin and I fixed her up with a cup of tea and ran her some new maps and sent her back out into the sunshine. An hour or so later, she called me up for more directions. It made me smile, actually. She was wearing an angel pin. You never know when your angels are watching, but I would have taken care of her anyway. Somehow it just felt good to make sure everyone on her list got their special Valentine gift.
And then, the owner of the dry cleaner next door came in. She is also a survivor. She just found out I was going through a recurrence. She was devastated and wanted just to hold my hand and ask me how I was. She told me how scared she is every day. She does not speak good English, but she works hard to communicate. Such a sweet soul. And when she left, I was alone and the sun was setting and it felt cold. And I felt alone. And yet I know I'm not, but for a few minutes I was really scared. What if I do all this treatment and don't survive? What if the next time I have to try to beat it back, it's more dreaded than this time?
Then I picked up the phone and returned the call of a dear, dear friend whom I haven't spoken with in what feels like forever. Talking with him made me feel better. He's so genuine when he interacts with you and you can feel his smile through the phone. We talked about my situation, we talked about his new real estate endeavor, we talked about his music. I felt ok again when I got off the phone with him. He finds my perspective on life to be interesting at times. I just try to be authentic about what my reality is. It could kill me. And it might not. I know all I can do is put it in God's hands.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Treatment #2 of 6
Today was the day for the 2nd treatment. Arrived around 10:30. Had a pre-treatment visit with Doc. He seems pleased with how I'm doing. He had a 4th year intern visit with me first. She said to me she wasn't anywhere near as experienced as Doc, but she was working on getting more proficient at working through the exam process. All I could think was, at the rate people are getting cancer, she'll be a pro in no time. Kind of sad, but good for her that she chose oncology as her profession. She seemed to have a gentle "bedside manner", and lord knows those of us who are in crisis with our diagnosis can use that kind of nature as opposed to the cold and indifferent demeanor that some have.
The treatment itself isn't so bad. I didn't really start to feel the affects of the first treatment until after the day I had the Neulasta shot, which boosts the white blood cells. Then I took a spin on a roller coaster. I'm hopeful I learned some good lessons on how to manage each day, but one thing is for sure, there's never two days alike. I can never seem to predict how my energy will be or whether I'm going to have a day of nausea. Doc told me today that he believes each treatment will get easier to handle. The first time I did this, I just remember getting more and more sluggish with each treatment, so I hope he's right. They are different drugs he is using, so I'm choosing to be optimistic about it.
And, on a sad note, I had to shave my head over the past weekend. I'm not sure there are many things more disheartening that seeing your hair piled up in the sink and not on your head. I tried so hard to hang onto it. It was two weeks and two days since my first treatment. That didn't take very long. But I was starting to feel like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree. There was hair everywhere! You would think it would be something you can control and just comb it out periodically, but that's not how it works. There's no pattern to how it falls out. It just start dropping as you walk. So, I broke out the shears and away it went. I didn't cry, but I was close. The next six months seem like forever away. I just have to hang on and keep plugging away each day to make it as productive as possible.
I still haven't settled on a wig. I've been wearing one that everyone seems to think is fairly attractive. It's so much more comfortable than the one I bought the first time around. But I have another one that is more like the style I typically wear my hair. I just can't get it styled right. It's seems too long in front, and I would take it to the salon and have it trimmed, but it was fairly expensive. Since they don't grow back, I'm hesitant to mess with it. I might just take it back.
One of my clients invited me to a Oneness Blessing. It's kind of a meditation/healing ceremony. I took mom -- she's never been to anything like that, and she's had some health issues of late, so I thought, "why not?" And away we went. It was interesting. I definitely felt some strong energy from the two gals who conducted the session. I guess I figured it couldn't do any harm. It felt good to sit and meditate, at any rate. I rarely get to spend quality time doing those kinds of things, since I'm either running from one task to another, or with these treatments, I'm physically flat-lined and can't even think about sitting in the focus of a meditation.
Doc asked me if I was getting any exercise. He must have someone who shovels his snow. I'm convinced. I just laughed. But I do feel good that I kept moving. We'll see what happens with this round!
The treatment itself isn't so bad. I didn't really start to feel the affects of the first treatment until after the day I had the Neulasta shot, which boosts the white blood cells. Then I took a spin on a roller coaster. I'm hopeful I learned some good lessons on how to manage each day, but one thing is for sure, there's never two days alike. I can never seem to predict how my energy will be or whether I'm going to have a day of nausea. Doc told me today that he believes each treatment will get easier to handle. The first time I did this, I just remember getting more and more sluggish with each treatment, so I hope he's right. They are different drugs he is using, so I'm choosing to be optimistic about it.
And, on a sad note, I had to shave my head over the past weekend. I'm not sure there are many things more disheartening that seeing your hair piled up in the sink and not on your head. I tried so hard to hang onto it. It was two weeks and two days since my first treatment. That didn't take very long. But I was starting to feel like Charlie Brown's Christmas tree. There was hair everywhere! You would think it would be something you can control and just comb it out periodically, but that's not how it works. There's no pattern to how it falls out. It just start dropping as you walk. So, I broke out the shears and away it went. I didn't cry, but I was close. The next six months seem like forever away. I just have to hang on and keep plugging away each day to make it as productive as possible.
I still haven't settled on a wig. I've been wearing one that everyone seems to think is fairly attractive. It's so much more comfortable than the one I bought the first time around. But I have another one that is more like the style I typically wear my hair. I just can't get it styled right. It's seems too long in front, and I would take it to the salon and have it trimmed, but it was fairly expensive. Since they don't grow back, I'm hesitant to mess with it. I might just take it back.
One of my clients invited me to a Oneness Blessing. It's kind of a meditation/healing ceremony. I took mom -- she's never been to anything like that, and she's had some health issues of late, so I thought, "why not?" And away we went. It was interesting. I definitely felt some strong energy from the two gals who conducted the session. I guess I figured it couldn't do any harm. It felt good to sit and meditate, at any rate. I rarely get to spend quality time doing those kinds of things, since I'm either running from one task to another, or with these treatments, I'm physically flat-lined and can't even think about sitting in the focus of a meditation.
Doc asked me if I was getting any exercise. He must have someone who shovels his snow. I'm convinced. I just laughed. But I do feel good that I kept moving. We'll see what happens with this round!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
A Good Report
At the 10 day mark, I have to go in to get blood drawn and make sure my white blood cell count has not spiraled downward. I did that yesterday -- braving the ice and snow to drive across town. Seriously, it was COLD!! But, I got a good report. Everything looks good.
I'm feeling pretty good right now. Started doing yoga and decided I would do some weight lifting. I think I picked the wrong day to start the weights. The very next morning, I had to chip ice off my car. We're talking the kind that looks like someone permanently glazed the windows. By the time I was done, my arms hurt pretty bad. And I continue to be sore today. But, I'm just glad I was able to do some exercising. Doc said if I can keep moving, it will be the best thing for me and I'll fare better through all the treatments. I'm not sure he really gets how hard it is to pick your head off the pillow on those last few treatments. But, the one thing I don't have this time that I had to deal with the last time is the aftermath of the surgeries. Those added so much physical pain that I do believe I will do better this time around.
So far I have my hair. I check it every 5 minutes to see if it's still holding. I desperately need to get a haircut and a hi-lite, but I just don't see the point of spending the money if it's all going to come out. Besides, I usually hi-lite my own hair and I'm terrified to try to pull the hair through the little holes with the little hook you use. I don't think I could cope if I tried the first batch of hair and it all came out.
I just told someone in an email that I wish my hair would just let me know already what the plan is. I don't do non-specifics real well. Maybe this is a lesson for me about being more flexible. I could think of less life-threatening ways to teach me that lesson, but whatever!
But, the good news is, I feel pretty good right now. I was able to take Max, my giant schnauzer, for a couple of walks. It's much better when I can take him to the off-leash park. He gets three times as much exercise and I don't feel guilty that I'm slowing him down. It's a good arrangement.
Next treatment is 2/9. Oh goodie -- can't wait! I'm thinking this blog will get updated weekly-ish. Hopefully I can stay true to that. I suppose it will all depend on how I feel.
I'm feeling pretty good right now. Started doing yoga and decided I would do some weight lifting. I think I picked the wrong day to start the weights. The very next morning, I had to chip ice off my car. We're talking the kind that looks like someone permanently glazed the windows. By the time I was done, my arms hurt pretty bad. And I continue to be sore today. But, I'm just glad I was able to do some exercising. Doc said if I can keep moving, it will be the best thing for me and I'll fare better through all the treatments. I'm not sure he really gets how hard it is to pick your head off the pillow on those last few treatments. But, the one thing I don't have this time that I had to deal with the last time is the aftermath of the surgeries. Those added so much physical pain that I do believe I will do better this time around.
So far I have my hair. I check it every 5 minutes to see if it's still holding. I desperately need to get a haircut and a hi-lite, but I just don't see the point of spending the money if it's all going to come out. Besides, I usually hi-lite my own hair and I'm terrified to try to pull the hair through the little holes with the little hook you use. I don't think I could cope if I tried the first batch of hair and it all came out.
I just told someone in an email that I wish my hair would just let me know already what the plan is. I don't do non-specifics real well. Maybe this is a lesson for me about being more flexible. I could think of less life-threatening ways to teach me that lesson, but whatever!
But, the good news is, I feel pretty good right now. I was able to take Max, my giant schnauzer, for a couple of walks. It's much better when I can take him to the off-leash park. He gets three times as much exercise and I don't feel guilty that I'm slowing him down. It's a good arrangement.
Next treatment is 2/9. Oh goodie -- can't wait! I'm thinking this blog will get updated weekly-ish. Hopefully I can stay true to that. I suppose it will all depend on how I feel.
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