It's Monday night. Finally back up on my feet and not feeling like my head is in a cloud somewhere. I cannot even describe what it feels like to have chemo. And I'm sure that not all chemo's are the same. I don't remember having some of the feelings I've experienced this time when I had chemo back in 2007. But this surely and absolutely stinks.
I really thought I had it figured out for round two. Took all my meds on schedule -- anti-nausea, pain, etc. But I still feel like someone kicked me in the tail. The whole weekend, all I could do was toss and turn. I kept thinking, "Ok, just a few more hours and it'll pass." And it didn't! So, from Wednesday to Monday morning, I have felt really lousy.
Thursday wasn't as bad. Friday and Saturday were positively awful. Sunday I managed to get up and go to church -- felt like I could use a little spiritual boost. And I was proud of myself for getting my head off the pillow and actually going out of the house. (Oh, you have no idea how hard it was to get moving!) Then my nephew met me after church and we took Max-A-Million to the off-leash dog park at Chatfield. I can usually clip around that place at a "power walk" in about a half an hour. I was alarmed to find that I couldn't even get an eighth of the way around, and I had to stop. Mostly, I was fighting the slush from the snow melt. Every step I took was met with an ache in my hips unlike anything I've felt before. It was like walking in slow motion. So, we sat on a bench for a while and then shoved the dog back in the car (reluctantly on his part) and came back home. Max was disappointed. I was disappointed. My nephew may have been relieved. He has no idea the workout I could have put him through! He's a sport, so I'm sure he would have kept up.
Back to work today, and I was much improved. As the day progressed, my head cleared. I decided that I would finally go out and get some badly needed supply of fluorescent bulbs for my office. What a project that turned out to be! I swear life has just become too complicated! Length, width, color, gee-whiz! What happened to ordinary lights?!
By the end of the day, I was feeling pretty good. And my optimism was returning. We had a woman walk in today who had been out delivering flowers and candies for Valentines Day. First day on the job, and she was lost in Golden. Surprise, surprise, she managed to find my office -- most people get lost trying to find me, not find me trying to get un-lost. So, my admin and I fixed her up with a cup of tea and ran her some new maps and sent her back out into the sunshine. An hour or so later, she called me up for more directions. It made me smile, actually. She was wearing an angel pin. You never know when your angels are watching, but I would have taken care of her anyway. Somehow it just felt good to make sure everyone on her list got their special Valentine gift.
And then, the owner of the dry cleaner next door came in. She is also a survivor. She just found out I was going through a recurrence. She was devastated and wanted just to hold my hand and ask me how I was. She told me how scared she is every day. She does not speak good English, but she works hard to communicate. Such a sweet soul. And when she left, I was alone and the sun was setting and it felt cold. And I felt alone. And yet I know I'm not, but for a few minutes I was really scared. What if I do all this treatment and don't survive? What if the next time I have to try to beat it back, it's more dreaded than this time?
Then I picked up the phone and returned the call of a dear, dear friend whom I haven't spoken with in what feels like forever. Talking with him made me feel better. He's so genuine when he interacts with you and you can feel his smile through the phone. We talked about my situation, we talked about his new real estate endeavor, we talked about his music. I felt ok again when I got off the phone with him. He finds my perspective on life to be interesting at times. I just try to be authentic about what my reality is. It could kill me. And it might not. I know all I can do is put it in God's hands.
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